


Regrets

by VintageOwl



Category: PAYDAY (Video Games), Payday 2 - Fandom
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hallucinations, One Shot, PTSD, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 14:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20565740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VintageOwl/pseuds/VintageOwl
Summary: She didn’t have a fun childhood and when she thinks shes about to give into the guilt, he stops her.





	Regrets

the impact bullets slammed against my armored vest, I couldn’t stop myself from hissing loudly, it stung and my mind giggled at my pain. I wasn’t focusing, my hallucinations had gotten worse since the medication I had been taking was failing me, failing to keep me stabilized and clean of them.

I had to hide it, to grid my teeth and bare it, If the others knew of my worsening condition they’d make me hang up my mask for sure and I didn’t need that. Currently all I could see and hear was my family's faces twisted in agony, asking me in gurgling and distorted voices the same thing over and over again 

“You didn't save us.”  
“you killed us.”  
“Why?! —— Why?!”

all the lovely words to twist into me, like a knife into my brain erupting painful memories I didn’t want to remember till they won the argument and I succumbed to the fear they had been force feeding all these years.

I fell to my knees in the alley way, the others moving ahead, failing to notice my breakdown happening, violently I dug in my pockets for the small pill bottle. I knew it hardly helped me anymore but it was the only thing I could do to stabilize myself for the moment. 

I retrieved it, only to find it empty. The pain of seeing my only cure gone broke me down into a state of panic and anger, it all burned tightly in my chest like a fire ready to ignite me and swallow me whole

Maybe I wanted to be burned and forgotten.

I covered the mouth of my mask and shook my head, clawing at my scalp as I let out a silent scream. Tears rushed down my face annoying me as begged for it to end, begged to no one but myself to just end it all.

Mid tantrum my eyes found my pistol beside me on the ground, my cure. Hesitantly I picked it up and slowly turned it on myself. Thankful my crew wouldn’t find out about how fucked I really was, they would most likely think it was the cops doing instead of myself.

Looking down the barrel of the pistol was almost a relief, my family's voice grew louder, gurgling more nonsense as I prepared myself for death.

When I thought I’d finally do it, “stop.” his automated voice made me freeze, he had caught me in my act.

"please remain calm- perusing- isn't the-answer." His overly sweet cassette player's voice called out to me but I wouldn’t stand for it anymore, their mangled faces all around me, screaming at me every day I couldn't live with it anymore.

"J-Jacket.. I can't.. it's my fault.. if I hadn't ignored that face in my backyard bushes 14 years ago... they'd still be alive.... and not.. .." I yelled out nonsense to him, I knew he wouldn't understand but I didn’t care I had to tell someone

"my medicine won't work anymore.. it's the highest dose.. and it won't.." I was hissing threw bitter tears at this point, ready to break any second and sob a loud like a child

"Death isn't the answer though- I know-I've seen it too." He told me my head snaps up glaring at him, ready to rip his head clean off for even trying to comprehend how I currently felt

"seen them? Don't fucking play with me!" I ripped the my mask off standing up to him looking him straight in his dumb mask, he doesn’t flinch though even when me snarling at him in disgust

"you don't know what I see right now.. what I hear.." I screamed at him tears dripping off my chin. Through my blind rage he managed rip my gun out of my hands throw it aside, I was ready to retrieve it but his words made me freeze

"you didn't- save us- help us- why did you do this- sound familiar?" My eyes widen as I held my head again "it's the only answer.. can't you understand then?" I asked wanting to be relieved of this pain in my heart

He grabbed my shoulder and I tried to shrug him off, not wanting to be touched but he had other plans instead of dealing with my struggling any longer he shoved me against the alley wall 

"it's not the -answer-trust me." He tried to convince me "then want is?!" I cried shutting my eyes tightly as my family screamed and spat nonsense at me, their voices distorted to point of it just sounding like monsterous gargles 

"you must understand this. you are not responsible for their deaths. let them go. It's not your fault." The voice was clear and was louder than my family’s but it didn’t come of his cassette player. 

I looked up at him I couldn't breathe I thought I was hearing things and just hallucinated him talking to me, I felt the tears welling in my eyes again. 

I hated the thought of making him more uncomfortable then he already was but I couldn't help but grip the front of his jacket and turn my head downward, seeking unrequited comfort as I weeped quietly in front of him

"A-Am I insane jacket?" I asked he gently wrapped his arms around my back calming me a little "No." this time he replied with his tape recorder "I didn't hallucination your voice too just now did I?" I asked "no- I spoke." He clicked the tape recorder 

I rested my head against his chest my knuckles turning white as I gripped onto him with all my might "I'm scared.. Jacket..." I said threw tears he cupped my cheek bringing my face back up to look at him "they can't hurt you.." he told me quietly using his voice again "but I hurt them... I didn't think it was big deal to see someone watching me play in the snow.. I ignored it instead of facing it!" I confessed tears blurring my vision 

I knew he didn't understand, In reality I was only arguing with myself.

"Listen to me.. you didn't kill them you can't bare the guilt forever let it go.." his voice is a bit firm yet it still surprises me to hear it again

He was stroking my cheek gently but I felt nothing, all I felt was shame for what I was about to burden him with "will you help me let it go?.." I asked quietly looking up into his mask for an answer 

He removed his hand from my cheek and let go of my waist, my heart dropped I felt like I had fucked up but instead he removed his mask letting it drop before wrapping his arms around me again in his gentle embrace 

I smiled a little as he wiped my tears away “of corse I will...” he murmured before kissing me softly, I kissed back still holding onto him for dear life. 

Their faces didn't leave me but their voices got quieter with him around me.

**Author's Note:**

> I know jacket doesn’t talk but I had to for the drama also I figured jacket has seen his fair share of hallucinations and knows how to deal with them. Enjoy.


End file.
